| Did he just roll his eyes? Did she just negate what I said, again? When something happens once – an off-kilter comment, an eye roll, an affront – it’s natural to get annoyed at the person, then dismiss it as an unusual event. You didn’t like it, but you let it go. When it happens more than once, a pattern begins to emerge of behavior you don’t want continued. At what point do you start jotting notes to yourself about what’s happened, including date, time, place? It’s easy to think you’ll clearly remember these incidents because they make such an impression on you. But realistically, they can get buried beneath higher priorities. Especially if you question yourself about what happened, wondering if you did something to cause it… until it happens again. By jotting notes, you’ll have a factual recall of what occurred and the foundation for when this behavior started (or you started noticing). This is key if it continues over time. It will enable you to have a clear, constructive conversation with the person about your concern. Here are examples of behaviors that prompted clients to jot notes about what they’d experienced. Often, they uncovered more as we discussed their situations and next steps. #1 Barbara’s peer often put her down in front of others with an eye roll, an interruption, a snide comment. He was always right, she was wrong or misguided. Yet, he’d modify her ideas slightly and present them as his own. He was rude to her in front of others when upper levels were not present. When they were, he acted a perfect gentleman. They saw him as a rising star. #2 Louise realized she was gaslighting herself about a direct report who disrupted meetings with blunt, negative comments, always, he said, for the good of the organization. He believed his ideas were better than hers, and he worked at getting teammates to agree with him. His behavior was tearing the team apart. #3 Stephanie inherited a direct report who was a problem for years, but no previous manager had fully addressed it. She’s determined to get this long-term employee to do her job at the level needed. But, she now knows this person skillfully uses every excuse, insinuates she’ll sue if things don’t go her way, and people avoid working with her. These leaders were in mentally exhausting predicaments. By capturing what was happening in notes to themselves, they were able to point to specific unacceptable behaviors on specific dates that substantiated their concerns when discussing the situation with their leader, the individual, and HR. It’s helpful to capture some of the good things the person does as well so you’ll have a record of seeing them holistically, and be able to have well-rounded conversations about the situation. The best leaders help those who work with and for them to become stronger assets for the team and the organization. But, sometimes there’s a misfit who would do better working somewhere else. Jotting notes to yourself can move you toward a resolution that will be better for all. |
